okay so you guys ive sorta been working on this sequel thing to breaking dawn. just tell me what you think, and try not to be mean please. it was supposed to 2 chapters, but i had writers-block and didnt know what to write.....so it's one and a half chapter. i hope you like it. Presenting, "My Stoopid Story". Enjoy.
Chapter One
First Kiss
鈥淢om,鈥?I asked. 鈥渨here鈥檚 Nessie?鈥?I yawned. That had been a pleasant nap.
鈥淕one with Jacob to a family barbecue down at La Push,鈥?she answered,
鈥淪he will be home soon.鈥?br>
I sat down on the couch and sulked. Oh, so she had a date and I didn鈥檛? I thought. Edward turned and laughed.
鈥淪hut up,鈥?I mumbled.
鈥淥h, it鈥檚 okay, Melissa. She will be home soon, maybe an hour. I鈥檓 sure we aren鈥檛 that boring,鈥?he said, amused.
鈥淥h, I鈥檓 sure you are,鈥?I muttered.
Mom walked out of her room with Dad at her side. She sat down next to me and rubbed her hand soothingly down my back. Dad sat on my other side and chuckled.
鈥淟issa, if you鈥檙e that bored, I鈥檓 sure Bella wouldn鈥檛 mind having an arm wrestling match,鈥?He laughed again.
鈥淓mmett, just because you can beat me now doesn鈥檛 make you the better person, so shut it,鈥?br>
At that, I had to giggle. Bella was awesome. She always managed to make me feel better. But this time the feeling didn鈥檛 last long.
鈥淚 wish Jasper was home. He could make you feel better,鈥?she said.
Jasper, Alice, Carlisle, and Esme were out hunting. Urgh. This was one of the most boring days of my life.
鈥淭his sucks. All my friends are out on dates. In their cars. At least they all have driving permits. Jeez. I would have gone shopping, but I can鈥檛. 鈥楥uz I鈥檓 not allowed to drive. Nice.鈥?I sniffed.
I could hardy wait for two more months. I would be sixteen, I would be able to drive, and I would be more pretty when I was finally changed. I just dumped my boyfriend, so I wasn鈥檛 in a good mood. In my school, it was like, dump someone and no dates for a month. URGH! I was pissed. Also, Daddy had gotten me an awesome car, a green and black Bugatti Veyron for my 15th birthday. It was amazing, except that I couldn鈥檛 drive it. I was a bit sad.
Edward had gotten Nessie a Lamborghini Gallardo LP460-L in pink, since it was her favorite color. It didn鈥檛 exactly brighten my day when she took it for a drive immediately.
鈥淪weetheart, you know that any of us could have driven you to the mall. Besides, you won鈥檛 be caught, any--鈥?Mom started.
鈥淣o, thanks. I would rather go alone.鈥?br>
鈥淵eah, Rose. Give the kid some space. Her hormones are kicking in. Let her whine, be unhappy for a couple of days. Then everything鈥檚 gonna be okay.鈥?Dad teased. He always teased everyone. Me and Bella were his favorite candidates.
I glared at him.
鈥淚鈥檓 gonna read,鈥?I stated, ending the subject.
鈥淎ll right, we鈥檙e going to head home,鈥?Edward declared.
鈥淲hen Renesmee comes, tell her where we are, all right?鈥?Bella said.
I picked up my magazine and a second later the doorbell rang, and Jacob and Renesmee walked in. I didn鈥檛 call Jacob or anyone else 鈥淎untie鈥?or Uncle鈥? I mean, come on. In age, we looked about two years apart. Bella, Edward, Alice, and Jasper were all okay with it. I just called Carlisle and Esme 鈥淕ramps鈥?and 鈥淕ramma鈥?
Bella and Edward hadn鈥檛 left yet, and they looked surprised.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e home early,鈥?she said.
Neither Jake nor Renesmee answered.
I ran to them and threw my arms around Nessie.
鈥淚鈥檝e never been more happy to see anyone in my entire life,鈥?I whispered in her ear. 鈥淎sk your dad how bored I was.鈥?br>
She was hugging me back, but strangely. I couldn鈥檛 explain it.
I pulled away and said, 鈥淗ey, Jake! How鈥檚 the pack doing?鈥?br>
鈥淕reat, Lissa. Like always. Embry鈥檚 kinda depressed. He was complaining about how everyone has imprinted except him.鈥?His voice sounded strange. Really high, for some reason.
鈥淵ou know, if I met him, I think I could cheer him up,鈥?br>
鈥淯h-huh鈥?br>
I took a few steps back and stared at them. They both looked strangely flushed, like something embarrassing had happened to them. But that wasn鈥檛 it. They had that look in their faces, like鈥ike鈥?br>
鈥淣o鈥︹€?Edward said. 鈥楥hoked鈥?would have been a better word. 鈥淵ou did not, Jacob.鈥?br>
鈥淲hy does everyone have to blame me whenever something happens!?鈥?Uncle Jake cried out loud indignantly. 鈥淭his isn鈥檛 fair! Blame Nessie for once! This time she was as much a part of it as I was!鈥?br>
I smiled. He was such a little boy.
Bella and Mom looked at Edward and said 鈥淲hat happened?鈥?at the exact same moment.
Dad. Well, Dad was smiling like always, but this time his smile had some curiosity in it.
鈥淒ad, you know it鈥檚 something perfectly normal that couples do,鈥?Nessie helped out.
I KNEW IT!!! My head screamed.
Edward shifted his murderous glare off of Jacob and on to her. Jake looked relieved. He continued to glare for a while, then he relaxed and gave them a tiny smile.
鈥淚 suppose I really shouldn鈥檛 be so shocked,鈥?he said, and then turned to tell Bella what was going on before she had a stroke. Of course, everyone heard it, except for me. But I already knew.
I waited. It didn鈥檛 take long.
鈥淲HAT?!鈥? she screamed. It finally happened. 鈥淵OU REVOLTING MUTT!!! HOW DARE YOU KISS MY LITTLE RENESMEE?!?!鈥?br>
Jacob sighed heavily.
鈥淛ACOB, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I HAVE SNAPPED BECAUSE OF YOU! HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT!?!?鈥?br>
Nessie flitted over to Bella and put her hand on her cheek. I don鈥檛 know what she was showing her, but whatever it was calmed her down.
She still continued yelling at him for a several minutes, but it wasn鈥檛 easy to ignore what Nessie was doing. Soon, she was calm enough to talk a little sense.
鈥淗ow dare you, mongrel,鈥?my mom began.
鈥淪hut up, Mom,鈥?I told her firmly.
During that whole time Dad was having a hard time controlling his laughter. He wasn鈥檛 managing very well. Then, suddenly he roared with laughter. He just didn鈥檛 stop. Then he realized that everyone was staring at him and he stopped after some effort.
鈥淪orry,鈥?he managed to gasp.
Edward grinned at him.
I was very surprised that Edward wasn鈥檛 as mad as Bella, if not more. But, I guess he was more reasonable than her, so he understood.
鈥淛acob, you are lucky today. It鈥檚 because of Renesmee that you aren鈥檛 being ripped to pieces by me, Rose, and, Edward,鈥?she threatened.
Jake rolled his eyes.
鈥淐ount me out,鈥?Edward mumbled.
Bella and Mom both glared at him.
鈥淢utt, get out of the house before I kick your guts,鈥?Mom told him.
鈥淔or crying out loud, what鈥檚 wrong? I kiss someone. That doesn鈥檛 exactly deserve the death penalty. I鈥檓 sure you leeches kiss each other all the time. Just kidding, Bella,鈥?he said quickly when he saw the look on her face.
鈥淕et. Out. Now.鈥?Bella said slowly but threateningly.
鈥淣OW,鈥?Mom said loudly.
鈥淐an do,鈥?he said nervously and walked out.
Nessie glared at her mom. I glared at mine.
鈥淲hat, Lissa?鈥?
鈥淢om, would you back off? It鈥檚 not your business what Nessie does with Jacob!鈥?br>
鈥淚 will have you know that I am like her second mother,鈥?she told me.
鈥淪o. What? She is a teenager. It鈥檚 about time she had her first kiss, Mother!鈥?br>
Nessie looked at me. Then she glared at her mom again and put her hand roughly to her neck. I didn鈥檛 know what she was showing her, but I was pretty sure I didn鈥檛 want to.
鈥淢omma, if you ever overreact so much again, I will move out and in with Jacob. Understand?鈥?she told Bella angrily.
鈥淲ay to go, Nessie!鈥?I muttered.
She ignored me.
鈥淩enesmee Cullen! Who do you think you are talking to? You have no right to do that! You are grounded for a week!鈥?br>
鈥淥h, yeah? Really? Okay then, Momma. Will you give me an hour so I can pack? Or will you rethink your last鈥h鈥ommand?鈥?br>
鈥淩enesmee. Behave,鈥?Mom put in.
鈥淪tay out of it, Mom,鈥?I told her angrily.
Nessie ignored us. She was too busy glaring at Bella.
鈥淥kay, Renesmee. You are no longer grounded. But I am not happy.鈥?br>
鈥淕ood. We have seen the end of this conversation. I am staying with Lissa tonight. Come on, Lissa,鈥?and saying so she stomped up to my room.
Edward and Emmett roared with laughter. Mom simply glared at me.
I followed Nessie up to my room, trying to ignore Bella and Mom鈥檚 glaring eyes on our backs.
Chapter Two
Conversations
I locked the door behind me. When I turned around, I found Nessie with a phone in her hand. Calling Jacob.
鈥淗ey,鈥?she said,
I couldn鈥檛 hear him speak, and I gestured to her. She put him on speaker.
鈥淵es, Jacob. I am so sorry about that. I wasn鈥檛 expecting--,鈥?br>
鈥淪hut up, Nessie. You know it鈥檚 okay! I鈥檓 used to it anyway,鈥?br>
鈥淪ure, but I am still sorry,鈥?br>
鈥淚t鈥檚 okay, honey, you know that!鈥?br>
鈥淭hank you, Jake. Hey are you going to be outside? I will call you up in a few minutes. I just have to talk to Lissa,鈥?She threw me a quick smile.
鈥淪ure. Tell her thanks for managing Blondie for me,鈥?br>
鈥淣o problem, Jake,鈥?I said to the phone.
鈥淥h, I was on speaker? Nice. Okay, see you guys,鈥?He hung up.
Nessie snapped her phone shut.
鈥淪o, what are you going to talk to me about?鈥?I asked curiously.
鈥淚 want to thank you, Lissa. For keeping Auntie Rose out of it. I don鈥檛 think I could have kept myself from throwing a fit if she started on me too,鈥?I could hear gratitude in every word.
鈥淗ey, Nessie, that鈥檚 what sisters are for. It was nothing, anyway. Tell me some details. Now,鈥?I commanded.
鈥淲hat details?鈥?she asked innocently.
鈥淵ou know very well what details I鈥檓 talking about, missy,鈥?I told her.
She sighed.
鈥淭oday, please, Nessie,鈥?I said.
鈥淚t was the very best experience of my life,鈥?She whispered slowly. 鈥淎bsolutely amazing.鈥?br>
鈥淥ne sec,鈥?I said and quickly burst out the door. I was pretty sure everybody could hear us, and I wanted to make sure that Nessie鈥檚 parents had gone home. They had, but the others were still there. Dad looked up and grinned at me.
鈥淪top eavesdropping now, Mom and Dad. Now. I mean it,鈥?I said firmly.
鈥淥r else?鈥?Dad asked.
鈥淎w, Dad! You are more mature than that! Come on,鈥?I whined.
鈥淥kay, Lissa. Em, let鈥檚 go for a walk,鈥?Mom said.
Thank you, I mouthed at her. I waited until they walked out and then I ran back to my room and locked my door again.
鈥淥kay, I鈥檓 back,鈥?I told a patiently waiting Nessie.
okay.....what did you think!?!??!?!!? also, if you know any popular websites i could post it on, please tell me. i need more people's opinions. i also sent this to stephenie meyer's UK address and to her brother Seth. Any ways to contact important people like this? please tell me. THANK YOU SO ******* MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OF COURSE ITS LONG, MAGGIE P, IT'S A SEQUEL TO A REALLY FAT NOVEL!!!! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!!!?!????? FOR IT TO BE FIVE WORDS LONG!?!?!?! Sounded good to me, I'd like to read more. Are you on any writing sites? I'm on http://chapteread.com They have cool features. worth checking out!! and good luck. Hey there,
I really enjoyed your story. I liked it alot. The only thing that I had problems with is who the heck was Melissa. I think she is the adopted daughter of Rose and Emmet, is that right?
Maybe you can make that a little clearer. i had to go back and read it a couple of times.
What a great imagination you have. Well done. I think we have a writer in the house.
Of course, writers always have editors that help them with the story line. So, having said that, I am sure that Stephanie Myers has help with her stories.
But, don't ever give up. (I'm being totally serious and sincere, and I'm not being mean at all, just so you know)
This reads much more like a play than a story or novel. Have you considered learning about scriptwriting, and adding stage directions, and formatting it like a play or film script?
It's not bad, because it has a lot of natural family dialogue. But as a story, sweetie, it's challenging to read, because ALL of the action is in the dialogue. There is very little description or action, no sense of place or atmosphere. Stories can be conversation-heavy, but there has to be something else anchoring all the talk. If you're just telling the reader stuff between quotes, like 'That had been a pleasant nap,' that doesn't pull you into any kind of narrative.
You have talent -- I imagine you're young and have been writing for a few years, so you're doing good. It's exciting to see you writing so much,and getting feedback. And you have a strong feel for your own characters, which is wonderful.
I would like to see you do two things: 1-Turn this into a play, since it's halfway there already.
2- Completely re-write this from scratch as a story with NO dialog. I'm saying this because you are so natural at good dialog, that you need to be challenged to bring a story to the fore without it. Think of what your narrative is, where it starts and ends, and how it gets there. YOU know the inner workings of your characters -- can you show us that without telling us?
These are just exercise ideas to develop your story.
I hope that helps! it's pretty good but um did rose and emmett adopt lissa and how did she come intot he story??? Will you read mine now?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...
I've added more to it here so you can read it here also(probably better to read it here):
http://www.facebook.com/notes.php?id=665... It's great. Weird, too. Try posting it on Fanfiction.net.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...
It was OK. Not as good as Stephenie Meyer's, too much teenager. But you do exactly what Stephenie Meyer does to me! She makes Jacob Black drive me completely insane! Also, I didn't like the part where she said she was gonna move out. Renesmee shouldn't be like that when she's older, and Bella shouldn't sound like that, all controlling. its way too long its kind of confusing, but good! |
